Dear Mr. President,

•February 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Dear Mr. President,

First off, I would like to say that I always supported your campaign. You stood for change, and was a beacon of hope when it came to the rebuilding of America.

However, with only one week in office, you have already delivered more fascism than the Patriot Act. First Sarah Palin was trying to tell me what I’m allowed to do with my uterus, and now you have banned torture in America. This is an outrage! Due to this totalitarian policy, I’m demanding an immediate refund on the following purchases I have made:

Rubber Ball Gag

$42.00

Wireless Vibrating Nipple Clamps

$32.00

Spiked Leather Choker

$28.50

Rubber Restraint Jacket

$698.00

Dog Face Hood w/ Blindfold

$348.00

Steel Handle Cock Whip

$46.00

Male Chastity Device

$240

TOTAL EXPECTED REFUND: $1434.50

Mr. President, I feel that it is my right, not only as an American, but as a human being to be bound, gagged, and flogged like the bad puppy that I am. I must add that if I do not receive this refund soon, I will be forced to deduct these expenses when filing my taxes this year. I appreciate your cooperation in this matter.

Thank You,

Ghansham a.k.a BriGuy

CINEMATIC EYE CANDY: A Deliciously Naughty Top Ten List

•February 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment


CINEMATIC EYE CANDY

A Deliciously Naughty Top Ten List



Everyone has a favorite genre of movie. Some people love romantic comedies. Many get off on a fast-paced action/adventure. Since the time of my childhood, I’ve always been completely enthralled with movies that carry a heavy sexual overtone. You see, growing up we always had HBO. Many a late night, my young curious mind would browse the late night movies. Even into my adulthood, I still favor a movie with a great lascivious plot.
I have compiled a top-ten list of my all-time favorite sexually-themed movies. I decided to leave out foreign films, which I love, as it would be entirely impossible to narrow down my favorites to just ten. In addition, I decided to leave out movies that were released before the time of my birth, considering we’re embarking upon ninety years of sex on the big screen.
And please people, don’t blame my parents, it’s not their fault that their lack of supervision contributed to my adulthood of sexual freakiness. So, without any further ado, my top-ten most cherished skin flicks:



10. AMERICAN PIE (1999)
In the 1980s, we had a plethora of comedies that delved into the world of teenage sexuality. Sadly, in the next decade this type of humor became terribly faux pas. American Pie brought that classic sexual humor back for us. Unless you were living under a rock in 1999, or busy raising babies, I know that you have seen this movie. It’s a tale of four high school students, who all make a pact together to lose their virginity before graduation. Eventually they discover that getting laid in high school isn’t quite as easy as they thought. I was still in high school myself when this movie hit theatres, and by the grace of the gods was not still a virgin, but I still could certainly relate to these geeky boys!

Standout Scene: Without a doubt, the most hilarious scene in American Pie is when curious Jim decides to drop his drawers proceeding to pleasure his member in his mother’s freshly baked apple pie. Come on guys, you would be lying if you didn’t consider attempting this after watching this movie. I’ll never look at apple pie the same. But I wouldn’t recommend bragging to your friends about how you just banged Granny Smith.








9. DISCLOSURE (1994)
Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that sexual harassment in the workplace is no laughing matter. However, we’re talking about the world of movies here, therfore we are talking about fantasy. What is sexier than women in power? What is sexier than when that woman in power is Demi Moore? Disclosure is about a computer expert who is beaten out in a promotion that was given to a former lover from his bachelor days. Meredith Johnson (Demi Moore) is out to destroy Tom Sanders (Michael Douglas) using every seductive and manipulative trick in the book.

Standout Scene: This one is a total given. The best scene in the movie is when Demi Moore will not take no for an answer, and basically rapes Michael Douglas’s character in her office. Hot! Is it worth losing your family and career over? I vote a huge yes to this one! It’s Demi freakin Moore for crying out loud!








8. THE DREAMERS (2003)
I wouldn’t say this is a really big, “turn-on,” flick, but it certainly pushes the envelope and exposes a darker side to human sexuality. In The Dreamers, An American student studying is 1968 Paris develops a close friendship with a brother and twin sister. With cinematic interests in common, the threesome isolate together in a world of fantasy. As their friendship grows, Matthew (Michael Pitt) becomes aware of the intimacy shared by these two siblings. The Dreamers is a tale of sex and dominance, alluding to homosexuality, as well as incest. This was the first film in America to recieve a NC-17 rating since 1997.

Standout Scene: About half-way through the film, Matthew, Isabelle, and Theo are all naked together in the bathtub. While bathing and smoking together, Matthew notices blood in the water, to which Isabelle replies, “It only happens once a month.” They continue to bathe in the bloody water, and there is even some smearing involved. While I agree that this is absolutely disgusting, I can appreciate a film that pushes boundaries when it comes to sexuality.








7. EYES WIDE SHUT (1999)
I went to see this movie on opening night, and as the credits rolled the entire audience booed. I disgreed with them completely. I thought this was another great masterpiece by Stanley Kubrick. There is so much symbolism in this movie I could write a blog just about it! Eyes Wide Shut is the story of a doctor looking to have a sexual experience after his wife had confessed to him that she had cheated on him earlier in their marriage. His journey ends up with him sneaking into a world of wealthy sex-play and hedonism. After being discovered, he finds out that he is in over his head, and his own personal safety becomes threatened. What makes this film more intriguing, is the fact that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s relationship was on the outs during the making of this movie.

Standout Scene: This flick had the scariest orgy scene I’ve ever witnessed! Fear and sex often go together really well. Perhaps I am not well in the head considering that I was captivated by the ritualistic sex, scary music, and haunting masks.








6. SLIVER (1993)
Again, we have another film where sex and suspense tie right together. In Sliver sex-pot Sharon Stone plays recently divorced Carly Norris who moves into an apartment in a luxurious high-rise, only to learn that the previous tenant had died in a mysterious fall off the balcony. Throughout the course of the movie, other tenants begin to also die in mysterious ways. Carly ends up having a seductive and passionate affair with the building owner Zeke, who has the entire complex digitally wired so he can spy on the tenants in their apartments with his cameras.. As the suspense builds, Carly begin to suspect Zeke of the killings, but can’t quite figure it all out.

Standout Scene: After Carly is already suspicious of Zeke’s (William Baldwin) involvment with the killings, he calls and invites her up to his apartment. After she snoops around.for a bit, a completely nude William Baldwin creeps up behind her, thus taking her from behind and having breathless sex with her against a pillar.








5. WILD THINGS (1998)
Wild Things has a plot filled with twists and turns, featuring greedy pricks and spoiled brats. A high school guidance counselor in south Florida is accused of rape by a manipulative rich girl and her white trash friend. As the movie continues on, we are left to wonder who really is decieving who. This movie has it all: guns, drugs, Kevin Bacon’s penis, blondes, brunettes, cops, etc. This is one of those movies that just goes to show you, never underestimate the IQ of the girl from the trailor park.

Standout Scene: Let’s see, you have a topless Denise Richards, a stoned Neve Campbell, and lots of water. Unexpected at this point in the movie, the two share passionate lesbian sex, both soaking wet, in a pool filled with bright blue water. Enough said. I wish I was Neve Campbell, damn….








4. THREESOME (1994)
This movie has the perfect scenario. You have Alex (Lara Flynn Boyle) who is in love with Eddy (Josh Charles), Eddy realizes that he is gay and lusting after Stewart (Stephen Baldwin), and Stewart is totally after Alex. Mix in college, dormitory living, and alcohol with the scenario; and the sexual tension is just bursting at the seams! The three dormmates make a pact to never act on any romantic, or lustfull feelings. Of course these good intentions only last so long, and the drama begins to unfold.

Standout Scene: Of course the climatic scene in this movie is towards the very ending, where the actual threesome occurs. But, my personal favorite part of this movie is when the three are laying together on a blanket after skinny dipping. Little do they know, but they are about to be busted by a children’s hiking trip, Ha-Larious!








3. BASIC INSTINCT (1992)
Come on, you had to know that Basic Instinct was going to find it’s way somewhere on this list! Once again we have Sharon Stone and Michael Douglas on the countdown. Is it any wonder that Michael Douglas had to seek rehabilitation for sex addiction? Sharon Stone plays Catherine Tramell, a brilliant and manipulative novelist suspected of killing a famous rock star during sexual intercourse. Nick Curran (Michael Douglas) begins a lust-filled mind game trying to nail Catherine for the killings. Unfortunately, he falls right into the palm of her hands, and all of a sudden the joke is on him, considering he is now the subject of her next novel.

Standout Scene: The suspense climaxes at the end of the movie, and any second during their fornication you expect Catherine to stab him to death with an ice pick, which is resting beneath the bed. Come on people, this is awesome! Sure being murdered kind of sucks, but having the best orgasm of your life right beforehand is kick-ass!








2. 9 1/2 WEEKS (1986)
John (Mikey Rourke) is a successful and wealthy businessman who seduces Elizabeth (Kim Basinger), a recently divorced art dealer. At first he comes off as exciting and fun, but suddenly lures Elizabeth into a world of sexual chaos. She becomes horribly dependant on John, as he feeds and bathes her. Finally, she is pushed to the edge when John begins having sex with a prostitute right in front of her. The movie doesn’t end happily, and she leaves John on to regret the last nine and a half weeks that she had an affair with a complete and total stranger.

Standout Scene: This movie is filled with mind-blowing sex, but what really stands out in this one is food! We’re talking about Mickey Rourke, before his face was all fucked-up, cleaning out the entire refridgerator to entice a young Kim Basinger. We’ve got chocolate, banannas, whipped cream, but my favorite tool used in this seduction is: ICE!!!








1. UNFAITHFUL (2002)
This was the movie that made just about every middle-aged woman consider cheating on their husbands. Hell, If I had a husband, I’d probably cheat on him too after watching this movie. First of all, I’ve had a huge crush on Diane Lane for about my entire life. Second, viewing this movie always leads to great sex afterwards. Unfaithful is a tragic tale involving a couple who’s marriage goes rather awry when Connie (Diane Lane) becomes involved in an adulterous affair with Paul (Oliver Martinez). This movie is temptation and passion from start to finish. Sadly, someone has to end up dead, and the whole situation gets all screwed up.

Standout Scene: THE ENTIRE FREAKING MOVIE! This is one off my all time favorite flicks, even though it could be considered a huge chick-flick. I don’t care. The only part that sucks about this film is having to almost feel sorry for a very whimpy Richard Gere who plays the role of the husband.



Alright people, now it’s your turn! What movies really get you in the mood? Were upset that I left any off the list? Showgirls? Body of Evidence? The Bridges of Madison County? Post you best skin flicks below!

Your Boyfriend’s Pornography

•February 1, 2009 • 1 Comment

YOUR BOYFRIEND’S PORNOGRAPHY
Investigating the Effects of Pornography on the Psyche and Relationships

The other evening a female friend and I were having a conversation about pornography. She admitted to me that she feels that it’s best for a man in a committed relationship to abstain from the use of pornography, as it may hinder his ability to get off by regular, conventional means. This really got me thinking. How does a man’s use of pornography interfere with his intimate relationships? During sexual intercourse, does he require pornographic thoughts and memories to successfully get off? Can the use of pornography help or hurt physical relationships?
So, I set off and did a bit of research. I unconvered the following statistics:

*The pornography industry is larger than the revenue of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix, EarthLink

*25% of the total number of internet sex engine requests are pornographic in nature

*42.7% of internet users view pornography online

*Hollywood release 20 times more adult movies than mainstream productions

*87% of university students admit to having sex over webcams, instant messenger, and the telephone

*17% of all women struggle with porn addiction

*42% of adults admit to feeling less attractive due to their partner’s use of pornography

*47% of adults say that pornography has become a problem in their home

*60% of all websites visited daily are pornographic in nature

*70% percent of Christians admit to struggling with porn in their daily lives

After looking at these numbers it is easy to conclude that the majority of men, and quite a few women, access internet pornography on a regular basis. Is this considered normal? How much is too much? When does curiosity become an obsession?

We are all aware that masturbation is a very healthy practice, physiologically and psychologically. There is nothing wrong with having fantasies, so as long as these fantasies don’t manifest into a harmful reality. But what effect does over-exposure to pornographic material have on us?

Porn addiction has become an epidemic lately, similiar to drug-abuse and alcoholism. Many experts are in debate over this subject, saying that this problem is a compulsion rather than an addiction. Common signs of porn addiction/compulsion include:

1. An inability to stop the behaviors and porn use despite previous attemts to do do

2. Anger or irritability if caught or asked to stop

3. Hiding or attempting to keep secret either part, or all, of the porn use

4. Continuing the behavior despite obvious consequence, such as a relationship loss or job loss

5. Getting lost in the porn use, spending more time than intended looking at pornographic images, videos, etc.

Of course there are more serious effects of the overuse of porn for those already possessing mental disorders with a gravitation towards promiscuity, abuse, etc. Sexual therapists and psychologists have defined the following five stages of pornographic addiction:

1. DISCOVERY: This happens by accident or curiosity. This stage usually refers to initial exposure, rather than over a prolonged exposure of time. The thrill and arousal is viewed as a rush because the event represents entering an area that is taboo, forbidden, or simply sensually arousing.

2. EXPLORATION/EXPERIMENTATION: This is the stage where the person rationalizes exploring or experimenting with the material. Usually this is accompanied with masturbation.

3. DENSENSITIZATION: At this stage what was once seen as shocking, becomes either normal to the viewer, or even mundane, setting the stage for escalation.

4. ESCALATION: During the stage, the material becomes rougher and more explicit. Kinkier and more shocking material is needed to achieve the same rush that was discovered in Stage 1.

5. PERFORMANCE: The person will begin to reinact the sexual behaviors he or she may have seen depicted in the pornography. In some cases, they will perform these with their partner, or if married, look for a partner outside of the marriage.

Just to set things straight, I’d like to state that enjoying pornographic material will not turn you into a sexual deviant. Pornographic addiction is a form of sexual addiction, and does not effect everyone.

I’ll be the first to admit that I love pornography, like so many other males do. I have a collection, and a number of websites that I visit on a regular basis. I don’t feel that I am self-medicating in anyway through pornographic use, or that I am using it to substitue any type of regular sexual practice. I’ve always been very open and honest about it with my sexual partners, and feel that it can even add some excitement into the bedroom.

But, what are the boundaries of being able to safely enjoy it? How can it destroy or harm relationships? In your own opinion, is regular use of pornography a healthy or dangerous practice? I’m really interested in hearing some feedback on this topic. So, I impose upon you the following questions:

1. Do you mind if your partner views pornographic materials?

2. How much time spent looking a pornography is considered too much?

3. Have you ever caught your partner in the act of looking at adult materials? How did you react?

4. How would you react if you caught your lover viewing gay pornography, or pornographic materials outside of his/her assumed sexual orientation?

5. Do you consider cybersex/phonesex to be the same as infideltiy?

6. Do you believe that pornography can be appreciated as a couple, thus adding spice to intimate relationships?

7. Are you morally opposed, seeing the use of pornography as either sinful, or immoral?

I appreciate your feedback on this one peeps!

SO MUCH PLEASURE, SO MUCH PAIN

•July 9, 2007 • 5 Comments

“I could give you so much pleasure.  I could give you so much pain.”

Those were the last words he said before she logged off of the instant messenger.  Those same words had been replaying in her head for the last hour.  She didn’t want to log off so soon, but he switched his online status to busy, and she didn’t want to appear desperate.

Lucy spent another ten minutes staring at his profile, then logged off the website altogether.  She always wondered why he didn’t have a picture of himself on his profile, but she also thought it was part of his appeal.  He had a secret, and she yearned to break it.

Five months now she had been a member of this site, and had yet to form a connection with anyone.  That was until the day he sent her the message, “I know what’s inside of you.”  Since then they would spend hours conversing in the moonlit hours.  After putting up with numbers of ignoramuses online, it was nice to finally electronically converse with a man who possessed some form of intelligence.

With this gentleman in particular, Lucy surprised herself with how elusive she could be.  She thought he liked that about her.  Normally she would just share about the kids and job over the net, but it was different with this guy.  He was able to crawl inside of her brain and possess her thoughts.

Lucy swallowed the last two drops of her Cabernet Sauvignon, and contemplated having another glass.  “It’s best that I don’t,” she said to herself, “I don’t want to ruin a good thing.”

It had been four months since the divorce and she tried so hard to fit back into the single world.  She would go out with the girls from time to time, but usually ended up sitting in a booth near the corner, sipping her drink and watching the girls enjoy themselves.  She wanted to let loose badly, but never could knowing that she was a responsible mother.  However, something about his mystique urged her to lessen her inhibitions.

All day long she would think about him: who he was, what he looked like, and why he seemed so taken with her.  It always bothered her that he would set his status to “busy” so often, but she never inquired why.  She guessed he was busy with other women online, but didn’t like to think about it.  She knew that she was his main interest, or seriously hoped so.

With the computer all shut down, she went to check on the children.  Jack was happily asleep with a smile spread across his face.  Jordan still had that cough, and did not appear to be resting peacefully.

Lucy crossed the room to Jordan’s day bed, moved the stuffed elephant to the side, and gently kissed her on the cheek.  Jordan’s health had always been a problem, but Lucy had faith that it would work itself out in time.  She placed her hand on Jordan’s forehead, and was relieved to feel that her temperature was still cool.

After making sure the children were secure, Lucy went to her own bedroom and began her nightly ritual.  She fed Max and filled his water glass.  As usual, she stood for several minutes gazing in the mirror, contemplating if she really looked her age.  She tied back her hair, and began applying the various creams she used in effort to lift and tighten her skin..

The wrinkles did run a bit deeper these days, but he told her she was beautiful.  He said that she looked young and vibrant, full of life.  She flashed herself one bright smile before turning out the light, reminding herself that someone out there found her beautiful.  She smiled even wider while thinking of him.

Most nights she would make sure the windows were secure and locked before crawling into bed.  Tonight was different.  Lucy wanted to feel the cool summer air brush over her while she slept.  Rather than cocooning herself in the comforter this evening, she tore it off the bed, leaving just a single sheet laying against her mattress liner.

She dressed in her most sheer nightgown, and placed herself underneath the sheet.  Tonight she felt desired.  Tonight she felt sexy..  The overdue rent check, Jordan’s health, and the lump on Max’s rib cage were not on her mind this night.  Her thoughts were consumed with him.

“I could give you so much pleasure.  I could give you so much pain.”

Those  words played round and round in her head, keeping her from sleep.  This type of excitement was new for Lucy, and she was unable to displace his words from her thoughts.  She glanced at her cell phone on the night stand, and for a moment considered logging on mobile to check his online status.  She decided against it.

The breeze began to stream in from the outside, as she felt it’s coolness brush against her body as she lay beneath her sheet.  The cool air was refreshing, intoxicating in a way.  She thought of him.  She imagined him away from his computer, in a cold bed of his own.  She hoped that he was thinking of her, yearning for her to come  warm him up.

The wind rushed through the windows, knocking over a photo frame on her dresser.  Lucy didn’t notice.

If she tried hard enough, she could almost sense his presence there with her.  She could smell his aroma in the room, and taste his sweat on her lips.  She stroked her fingertips across her torso, imagining that they were her his strong hands loving her so gently.  Within her thoughts, the air rushing through the open window was his breath running down her back, the coolness his tongue sliding across her neck.

She lay stretched out in bed, her eyes closed hard, running his words through her mind, “I could give you so much pleasure.  I could give you so much pain.”

She shifted her hands around her abdomen, touching herself  in a way she never had before.  As the wind grew more fierce outside, so did her fantasy.

Lucy began to explore her body a bit deeper.  With trepidation, she gave into indulgence.  She knew that it  was a sin, but couldn’t refrain.  She had to make sure that she was well prepared when they  were going to finally meet in the near future.

Her body shook as she began to feel the heated sensations radiate up her spine.  She wondered if he could sense her vibrations, wherever he might be.  Regardless of the distance, she felt that they were sharing this experience together.

“I could give you so much pleasure.  I could give you so much pain.”

Lucy moaned with pleasure, and imagined what she was going to say to him when she told him about thie experience the next evening.  She closed her eyes and imagined him watching her.

Her cell phone beeped on the nightstand, startling her and interrupting her session of pleasure.

She had a new text message.

She flipped open her phone and  read: “I will give you so much pleasure.  I will give you so much pain.”

Lucy’s  heart skipped a beat.

She had not given him her phone number yet.

An Evening With Suzy Creamcheese

•July 1, 2007 • 1 Comment

AN EVENING

WITH SUZY

CREAMCHEESE

It seems that everyone who moves to the Florida Keys is hiding from someone. To the many who vacation there yearly, it’s a place filled with fishing, water sports, bikini-clad women, and palm trees.
But to the residents, exists a much darker reality. It is not the paradise you read of in tour magazines. It’s an island full of crazy people. The kind of place where you slowly forget about the “real” world. The kind of place where Hunter S. Thompson leaves a severed pig head in the toilet in your motel room bathroom.
Each key has something different to offer, a different mental health ward if you will. When I moved to Islamorada at the age of eighteen, I thought I was giving up the stresses of reality, and moving into a tropical utopia.
For some reason I always attract people who are somewhat insane. I’ve dealt with this my entire life. Perhaps crazy people feel comfortable with me. Maybe I’m the chosen one when it comes to the mentally ill. Within my heart exists a certain fondness for all those nutty people that I interacted with during my time in the keys.
There was my friend Phil who enjoyed fishing while hiding from the mob. One day he disappeared, and was never heard from again. Phil was really a great guy, me thinks he’s probably somewhere in South America by now.
Then there was Kim. Kim took care of children with Down’s Syndrome by day, and doubled as a prostitute in Key West by night. Of course I would have never known of Kim’s private night-life, had we not had a chance encounter in a strip-club on Duval Street one blazing hot summer night.
Then there was the evening I met Suzy Creamcheese.
It was a Wednesday night in Islamorada. Islamorada can best be described an a quaint little drinking town, with a slight fishing problem.
Perhaps you’ve vacationed in Islamorada before. You probably went snorkeling/scuba-diving out of John Pennekamp State Park. You may have even smoked a great cigar at the Zane Grey lounge, which rests about World Wide Sportsmen.
But chances are, unless you were a local, you never had the bitter privilege of throwing back a few at the Whistle Stop Lounge and Grill. I have many great memories of my nights at the Whistle Stop. Those of you in big cities may never realize the closeness you can find in your drinking family at the local bar. At one time, if you were to visit the Whistle Stop, you’d even find my picture up on the wall.
It was at the Whistle Stop, mile marker 82.5, in the village of Islamorada where I had my drinking coming-of-age, even though I was not legally of age.
So it was around eleven o’clock on your typical Wednesday night in the summer. The tourists had all scurried back to the safety of their air conditioners in their hotel rooms, and the locals were out to play.
I had just completed an extremely long day of bartending on the beach. After spending hours beneath a Tiki hut mixing Rumrunners, Bushwhackers, and Mai Tais, I was exhausted and hungry for a good buzz.
As usual I made my late not stop at the Whistle Stop, and settled into my favorite stool. I called over the bartender Steve and ordered a Kettle One Gimlet straight up, prepared with fresh squeezed lime juice. I didn’t really enjoy drinking Gimlets, but at the time I was rarely ever carded after ordering such a specific drink.
Lynard Skynard was playing on the box, and I was engaged in great conversation with my friend Chris, when I felt cold fingers being run through my hair. At the time I was very particular with my hair (yeah, when I had it) and I was not pleased to have it being tousled by strange fingers.
I turn to my right, and that’s when I saw her. She was old. She appeared quite frail. Her eyes were glossy, and there was more lipstick applied to her chin rather than her lips. With a crooked smile and repugnant breath she slurred, “Do you know who I am?” with a voice that sounded exactly like a carton of stale cigarettes.
“Um no,” I replied, not entirely sure because she did seem very familiar to my step dad’s mother.
“I’m Suzy Creamcheese.” Her head was waving from side to side, and she still had her fingers running through my hair.
“Nice to meet you Ms. Creamcheese.” I turned back to my friend Chris, and did my best to ignore this inebriated bar fly.
“NO! Not Ms. Creamcheese, it’s Suzy Creamcheese!”
Her hand was now on my lap. I was increasingly uncomfortable. I did my best to brush her hand away from my special area, and she nearly collapsed out of her bar stool.
“Do you know who I am?” This time the voice was closer to my right ear, raspy, slurring.
I was still rather timid during this time in my life, I was awful at shooing away drunken old ladies.
“Hmmm, let me guess,” I said, “you’re Suzy Creamcheese?”
“Ha ha!” She chuckled, “and don’t you forget it!” She slapped her hand back down on my thigh, and leaned in a little closer. “You know, I used to tour with Zappa, all over the world! It was Suzy Creamcheese and Zappa back in those days!”
To be honest, I had no idea about any of Frank Zappa’s work back then, and I had no idea about any of this Suzy Creamcheese nonsense either. Had I known what I know now, I’d probably react quite differently.
For awhile, Suzy was a bit distracted, and I was left to drink and chat with my friend Chris in peace. Within in hour, I threw back three more gimlets.
This was not a good thing. As I became inebriated, my inhibitions disappeared, and I was left as the perfect prey for Suzy Creamcheese.
Chris and I were having one of those typical bar room debates, probably about politics and religion. I looked down at the bar, and realized my drink had disappeared, nowhere to be found.
Until I saw Suzy standing behind me drinking it. She finished the drink in one huge gulp, and slammed the martini glass down on the bar, breaking the stem, shattering the glass.
“HELLS YEAH!”
I was drunk. Suzy was drunk. Strange things happen to me when I drink. I go from somewhat reserved, to all out crazy! Yeah, the keys really were the perfect place for me.
In an intoxicated haze, Suzy Creamcheese pulled me off my stool, and dragged me over to the juke box. I’m not sure how it occurred, but I found myself dancing in the middle of the bar with Suzy Creamcheese.
“You know I used to tour with Zappa?” she said as she was grinding her pelvis into mine.
My older brother was actually in the bar that night. He was standing on the other side of the bar, with his face bright-red, as I was dancing with this old lady and making a spectacle of myself. Poor guy, I was always embarrassing him in public.
Then, when the situation could not get any worse, the unthinkable happened. Suzy pulled me in by the back of my head, and planted one right on my lips.
I was a bit too buzzed to realize what was happening. Here I was nineteen years old, in a white trash kind of bar, making out with a lady old enough to be my grandmother’s teacher!
Just the sheer memory is giving me chills right now as I type.
Those lips. Those cold lips. Retired groupie granny lips, and I was sucking on them!
In a brief moment of clarity I was able to pull myself away, and was humiliated to see that the entire clientele of the bar that night was staring right at me!
I slowly snuck away, while Suzy Creamcheese stood with her eyes closed, savoring the moment.
To this day, I’m not sure if that was indeed the “real” Suzy Creamcheese, or just some deranged old lady. According to Frank Zappa Suzy Creamcheese was never a real person, but certain sources say otherwise. They’re still a few women out there who claim to be the “real” Suzy Creamcheese.
Horrified with myself, I ran up to the bartender Steve, and ordered two shots of Southern Comfort to dull the terror I was feeling. Back then I always had a thing for older women, but this was just ridiculous!
Steve looked at me with a grin stretching to each ear. “Dude, I can’t believe you just made out with Suzy Creamcheese! That was so fucking awesome!”
He poured the Southern Comfort, and told me the shots were on the house. He told me how proud he was of me and asked, “So what’s it feel like to kiss your first celebrity?”
Sometimes you just can’t get certain memories out of your head, and the only therapy is to blog them out.
I was able to successfully avoid Suzy Creamcheese the rest of the night. She continued partying, and drank more than I thought would be possible for such an old lady! She puts college frat guys to shame!
She ended up passing out on the floor in the middle of the bar. The bartender called up a cab, and they carried her unconscious body out of the bar, and stuffed her in the back seat of the taxi.
Anywhere else in the world I’m sure the paramedics would have been called, but things work a bit differently in the Florida Keys.
A couple of years later I was vacationing in the Keys after moving to New Jersey. I stopped in the Whistle Stop to say hello to some old friends, and there Suzy Creamcheese was again dancing alone to the juke box, in a way that only white people can dance in sleazy bars.
I just sat on the opposite side of the bar watching Suzy do her thing. That was the last time I ever saw or heard about Suzy Creamcheese, but I will never forget that special night we shared together.

SHRUNK!

•June 28, 2007 • 4 Comments

SHRUNK!

Sigmund Freud

The Discoverer of Penis Envy

I’m quite sure that most people would NEVER write a blog about visiting their psychiatrist.

Well, at least most sane, mentally stable individuals.

I’m not one of those people.

The truth is, I find the fact that I’m seeing a shrink absolutely hilarious! I know, mental health problems are no laughing matter, but if I don’t look at it with humor, then what have I got?

I wasn’t sure of what to expect when I made my first appointment. Privately I was hoping for Dr. Lowenstein from The Prince of Tides: great legs, leather couches, and good drugs. I even hoped to bump into a few celebrities in the waiting room.

No such luck. It was one of the most frightening days of my life.

I arrived at clinic fifteen minutes before my scheduled time, when I was informed by the receptionist that my appointment was not for another two hours.

All right, no big deal, I would just make myself comfortable in the waiting room, and continue reading my book: I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

Right as I was making my way to the most hidden chair in the room, I hear a loud shriek, followed by yelling from directly behind me, “DON’T YOU DARE SEE HIM BEFORE YOU SEE ME!”

I turn around to see a deranged woman snarling at me, as if she is ready to bite. It was at the moment that I realized that this institution was not home to the wealthy, rich, and self-absorbed. When booking my appointment prior, I had no idea that my appointment was going to take place in a genuine nut house. All of a sudden The Prince of Tides had become Shock Corridor.

I sat pretending to concentrate on my book while the deranged bitch continued growling at me. I did not even dare to attempt eye contact, and I really hoped that the doctors would apprehend this woman soon. After about five minutes, they finally took her away. As she followed the doctors, never once did she take her contumelious gaze off of me.

With the snarling woman taken away, I had the entire waiting room to myself. I even read a couple of chapters, and did my best to numb my anxiety over seeing a psychiatrist.

The peace did not last long.

Just like ants swarm a grounded lollipop, the room filled to its capacity. I sat as still as I could, and did my best to become invisible.

There is really not much to do when you are trying to be invisible, but eavesdrop. I swear I’m not a nosy person, but this situation was a bit different. I worried over what I was getting myself into.

Apparently, the group that had just entered the room, was from a local hospital, attending group therapy at this institution.

Woman 1: “Woman 2, are you still having problems with your boyfriend?”

Woman 2: “Shut the fuck up.”

Man: “STOP TALKING THAT WAY!”

Woman 2: “Shut the fuck up.”

Woman 1: “Man, tell your mother that I love her, and can’t wait to see her again.”

Man: “My mother doesn’t like fruit anymore.”

Woman 1: “Your mother has the kindest soul of anyone I’ve ever met!”

Man: “I don’t think you know my mom. Did she call you or something?”

Woman 2: “Shut the fuck up.”

Man: “She told me I can’t keep apples in the house.”

Woman 1: “Well, tell your mother I hope she feels better, and I won’t be able to come over to give you a bubble bath until Tuesday.”

*Visual image. Complete horror. I must see a doctor very soon.*

Man: “No bath today? I NEED A BATH!”

Woman 2: “Shut the fuck up.”

Man: “But my ears are dirty!”

Woman 1: “Tell your mother I’ll come over and give you a bubble bath on Tuesday night. I’m all out of bubbles and won’t be able to buy more until Tuesday.

Man: (begins to weep)

Woman 2: “Shut the fuck up.”

It was at this moment I seriously contemplated running out of the clinic and never returning. It was obvious that I had come to the wrong place. The last thing I wanted was to end up like the rest of this bunch.

Eventually the van from the hospital came to pick up the group, and I was left with enough peace to contemplate my own sanity. “So what if I’m an insomniac suffering from panic attacks? I’m sure as hell not crazy!”

At that moment the receptionist informed me that Dr. Spock was finishing up with his current patient, and should be able to see me soon.

All right, I had made it this far, I might as well stick it through and wait for the good doctor to tell me how sane, and normal I am.

At this point, I was too shaken-up to read, and just sat quietly.

Ten minutes, passed and I was still sitting quietly.

Still, no Dr. Spock.

Suddenly a woman comes blowing through the door, with several handbags, and a child in tow. I couldn’t help but look. This woman looked exactly like Dee Snider, and I’m not kidding! Imagine someone applying clay to their face, waiting hours for the clay to solidify, and then decorating the rest of their face with permanent markers, rather poorly. And yes, the haircut was exactly like Dee Snider too, except for the fact that it was bright orange.

I think to myself that this Lady Snider is definitely in need of some therapy. I felt for Baby Snider, for him being taught the ways of the world from a woman that looked bonkers. I was glad that Lady Snider was getting some counseling, for the child’s sake.

But I was wrong. Entirely wrong.

Lady Snider wasn’t there for herself. She was there for Baby Snider. In my opinion, Baby Snider was behaving like a perfectly calm child.

For whatever reason, Lady Snider felt the need to read aloud all the questions and answers from the paperwork she was filling out. Before long I knew the entire Snider family history, in detail. I still couldn’t get over the fact that this woman was there for her child, and not herself.

Suddenly, something in the paperwork she was reading aloud triggered something in Baby Snider. She read aloud a question, “What is your family religion?”

Personally, I left that question blank when filling out the paperwork.

Lady Snider reads aloud her answer, “Well, your father is Greek, for now, and I’m Jewish. You’ll be Jewish soon enough, but I’ll just fill in Greek and Jewish.”

Call me crazy, but is just being Greek a religion?

Baby Snider begins screaming and thrashing his body around his chair. “NO! ONE RELIGION! ONLY ONE! IT’S MY CHOICE!”

I was shocked. Obviously this kid was quite smart. He was only five years of age, and already approaching religious controversy with trepidation.

Lady Snider then questioned Baby Snider, “Sweetheart, what religion would you like to be?”

The kid never answered. He ran around the room tearing all the leaves off the potted plants, ripping them to shreds, and throwing them on the floor.

My opinion was wrong. Perhaps this kid was in serious need of psychiatric help, or perhaps terrified of organized religion.

He then sat indian-style on the ground while tearing pages from all the magazines on the table as his eyes rolled to the back of his head, and his mouth was swearing in gibberish, or possibly holy tongues.

At this moment I became terrified of the demon-child, and went straight to the receptionist. “Look. It’s been more than two hours now!” I said, “If Dr. Spock won’t see me now, I’M LEAVING!”

The receptionist glared at me with annoyed eyes, “Listen young man. You are going to have to calm down! I’ll be forced to call security.”

I considered my options. My basic instinct was to strangle this crazy woman, but I could see myself being locked up in an asylum forever, crying, while watching old-school Winona Ryder movies.

I sat back down. Even though I wasn’t one of these crazy people, I certainly did not want to end up in a restraint jacket.

Someone entered the room, and removed Lady and Baby Snider.

While sitting in peace, a man of seventy entered the room. “Are you Brian?” he asked, “I’m Doctor Spock, I’ll be with you in just a moment.”

You see. The restrooms were adjacent to the waiting room. Dr. Spock hauled ass into the men’s room.

Because I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, I really hoped that Dr. Spock just had to urinate, rather than defecate.

He took a very long time. Long enough for a final crazy-person-encounter.

Just when I thought my psychological torture was over, a man walked in. Yes, a man walked in, and he was carrying a rubber duckie.

I am not lying.

His name was John, and he was a rather friendly guy. Everyone in the place knew him.

While I was waiting for Dr. Spock, John walked my direction and showed me his rubber duckie. I’ll have to admit that I was fond of this guy for some reason. He appeared to be a loving, sweet child, trapped in a grown-man’s body.

So I humored him. He was a wonderful refreshment after all the individuals I just encountered.

We talked about his duckie, the duckie’s history, the duckie’s fears, and he even let me hold the duckie for a few seconds. However, after just a few seconds he ripped the duckie from my hands. I think he was dealing with seperation-anxiety issues. But I liked the guy, and wasn’t offended.

At that moment Dr. Spock returned from the bathroom, and immediately ended my interaction with John. He did not look pleased. Obviously I am not a licensed health professional. Therefore, I had no business talking with anyone about their rubber duckies.

“Hi Brian, I’m Dr. Spock, it is a pleasure to meet you.” He shook my hand. I did not want him to shake my hand. He came from the men’s room. He was there for a long time. I didn’t know where that hand had been, nor did I want too.

I followed Dr. Spock down the hall, to his office. The office was not what I expected. There wasn’t one single spot to lie down! No leather, no pictures of Sigmund Freud on the wall. It was at this point that I actually began to have a panic attack. The office was dark, and scary, and this man was going to scrape the walls of my mind.

I chose an uncomfortable chair in the middle of the room, but Dr. Spock motioned for me to come closer, and sit right next to him.

If you’ve read my blogs before, you know I’m not comfortable when strangers force me to get close to them. But I did anyway, figuring it had something to do with the therapy.

Dr. Spock began asking me some rather random questions, which I answered quickly with my arms folded across my chest. I was starting to get angry. What was this bozo doing trying to pry into my private life?

Something he did must have worked. I felt tricked. Within minutes I was telling this man every single detail of my personal life, and it felt great! I have never run my mouth to that extent. I told him everything, including things I did not even know myself.

There was one thing that was still making me uncomfortable, and that was Dr. Spock’s lazy eye. His eyes were looking into two different directions, and I didn’t know which eyeball to make contact with.

But he seemed to see me clearly.

So the hour was almost over and Dr. Spock asked me, “How are your erections?”

Half of me wondered if this dude was hitting on me, the other half wondered if my erections had something to do with my insomnia.

“I know it’s an uncomfortable question,” he asked, “but for males, their erections have a lot to do with their emotional well-being.”

“My erections are just fine,” I replied, “I’m rather fond of them.”

I began to sweat. All this penis talk was really making me feel rather cumbersome.

“I’m only asking, because if we consider medication, it may affect your erections and ejaculation.”

I wanted to punch him. How dare he talk about MY penis! I immediately begin to wonder if he had a version of old-man “penis envy.”

He goes on to tell me that “happy” pills have sexual side effects, such as erectile dysfunctions. I tell him there is no way I would ever take ANY pill that wouldn’t keep my Lil BriGuy happy.

He tells me there is one alternative, and proceeds to write multiple prescriptions. I’ve always been skeptical of pharmaceutical drugs and doctors. I’ve heard some horror stories.

He informs me that there is one “happy” pill that does not cause sexual side effects, and it may even help me to quit smoking. My eyes dart back-and-forth between his mismated eyeballs.

So I left with a few prescriptions in hand, which I distrust. Amazingly, after the session I felt a hundred times better than I had felt in a long time! Maybe there is something to this whole therapy thing. I made an appointment with Dr. Spock next month, and set up counseling sessions until then with a resident psychologist.

Anyway, I filled the prescriptions, and went home to research the side effects over the internet. One side effect is short-term memory loss. In that case I’m not sure the drugs are working, because I still remember every single terrifying detail from that day.